Outlaw Lady
When I don't know what to blog, I can just recall a moment of embarrassment and go from there.
In Austin my roommate Steven had this friend Mary Lou. Mary Lou was so out of my league, she wasn't even playing the same game. Mary Lou was a few years older, drop dead gorgeous, educated, and tasteful. She was always found where anyone who is anyone would be found, she was quite the woman about town. I never considered her my equal because it was so obvious that I wasn't even close to her level. I did still want to put my best foot forward with her, I felt if I were on my best behavior she wouldn't think I was a total proletariat.
Once Mary Lou asked Steven if she could borrow a VCR. It's funny looking back I perceived her lack of VCR ownership as an example of her class. She cannot be bothered with trivialities like VCRs, she's busy with art openings and fine dining. Only a loser like me would own a VCR.
So when Steven expressed some concern about the functionality of his VCR, I jumped at the chance to loan her mine. I imagined I was quite smooth when I said 'Mary why don't you use mine, really it's no bother' I had so hoped my delivery was in a Cary Grant style. In haste I rushed into my room and disconnected the VCR, and brought it to Mary Lou's car.
A few days later Steven comes home with this shit eating grin on his face. 'Are you missing anything? he asked barely able to contain himself
'uh no, I don't think so, well obviously I am from the look of things...well?
'does the title 'Outlaw Ladies' mean anything to you?
My face must've turned ten shades of red, since Outlaw Ladies as you may have guessed by now, is a porn tape.
I could never face Mary Lou again, she knew the horrible truth about me. She had indeed seen both sides of monsignor valentine. Cary Grant would've never made such a gaff, and indeed I was no Cary Grant.
'she watched it with her boyfriend' Steven continued
'She WATCHED IT! Somehow this was getting worse by the minute, I need to move to Spain.
'oh it's no big deal, she's a very modern woman, she gets it' Steven tried to assure me
It was too late, I knew I would always be the porn guy to her, and I so didn't want to be the porn guy, I mean who does?
A week later the VCR is back in my room, thankfully returned by Steven sparring me the moment of total embarrassment. But the best part was the tape was not returned.
'Her boyfriend still has your tape' Steven offered
Oh so it's okay for her boyfriend to be the porn guy eh?
I never got it back.
'two subjects in which I'm an absolute expert, art and masturbation'-Woody Allen
In Austin my roommate Steven had this friend Mary Lou. Mary Lou was so out of my league, she wasn't even playing the same game. Mary Lou was a few years older, drop dead gorgeous, educated, and tasteful. She was always found where anyone who is anyone would be found, she was quite the woman about town. I never considered her my equal because it was so obvious that I wasn't even close to her level. I did still want to put my best foot forward with her, I felt if I were on my best behavior she wouldn't think I was a total proletariat.
Once Mary Lou asked Steven if she could borrow a VCR. It's funny looking back I perceived her lack of VCR ownership as an example of her class. She cannot be bothered with trivialities like VCRs, she's busy with art openings and fine dining. Only a loser like me would own a VCR.
So when Steven expressed some concern about the functionality of his VCR, I jumped at the chance to loan her mine. I imagined I was quite smooth when I said 'Mary why don't you use mine, really it's no bother' I had so hoped my delivery was in a Cary Grant style. In haste I rushed into my room and disconnected the VCR, and brought it to Mary Lou's car.
A few days later Steven comes home with this shit eating grin on his face. 'Are you missing anything? he asked barely able to contain himself
'uh no, I don't think so, well obviously I am from the look of things...well?
'does the title 'Outlaw Ladies' mean anything to you?
My face must've turned ten shades of red, since Outlaw Ladies as you may have guessed by now, is a porn tape.
I could never face Mary Lou again, she knew the horrible truth about me. She had indeed seen both sides of monsignor valentine. Cary Grant would've never made such a gaff, and indeed I was no Cary Grant.
'she watched it with her boyfriend' Steven continued
'She WATCHED IT! Somehow this was getting worse by the minute, I need to move to Spain.
'oh it's no big deal, she's a very modern woman, she gets it' Steven tried to assure me
It was too late, I knew I would always be the porn guy to her, and I so didn't want to be the porn guy, I mean who does?
A week later the VCR is back in my room, thankfully returned by Steven sparring me the moment of total embarrassment. But the best part was the tape was not returned.
'Her boyfriend still has your tape' Steven offered
Oh so it's okay for her boyfriend to be the porn guy eh?
I never got it back.
'two subjects in which I'm an absolute expert, art and masturbation'-Woody Allen
posted by Robert_M at 8:45 AM
4 Comments:
lol...
that's pretty funny...
and who is to say that mary wouldn't have liked you?
Profile at the time;
$5 to my name
no car
t shirt is dressy enough right?
In the Cannibal Club every night or playing with my failed band til sun up
I didn't have a lot to offer
That story is so great. It's almost worth it happening to you.
The phrase "smooth operator" comes to mind.
-K.
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